morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
