hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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