I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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