So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wear drunk well.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
