I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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