can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
