You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
my liver is dry heaving
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
