he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Acid is not a monday night drug
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Randomize
