In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
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