At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
