i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
