i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
