I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
