My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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