i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
