Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
