I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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