Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
