The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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