You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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