also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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