mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
