i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
