I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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