aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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