I just threw up on my dentist
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You left your phone here
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