I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
