Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
