I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
