I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
