I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
