The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
