When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize