i already hear my dad disowning me
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
