please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
