I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
