I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
