xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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