Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
