Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
