Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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