I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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