i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Drunk is a universal language darling
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