omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
