I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I wish there were birth control emojis
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
