I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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