he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
