You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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