I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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