so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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