Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
