just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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