he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Are we still banned from the library?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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