im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize