you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
