if you like me you must not know who I am
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize