Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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