I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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