You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
