Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i dont even know how to be here
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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