I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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