So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
