what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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