it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
