normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i dont even know how to be here
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
