I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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